This morning as I lay doing my pilates with the music of my playlist “Captivate” belting out of my phone there were many swirling thoughts in my mind. In part there is such excitement that in less than an hour I will be at BSF leaders unpacking a fav part of scripture. We’ve slogged through those tougher portions of Romans and now get to the goodness of Chapter Twelve onwards. This week we are parked in the first two verses and oh how I love them and have done for years. But there is also a heaviness in my heart as I think on the lives that have been lost of late…from handbag designers, news anchors and pastors…and that is just what is in the news. Yet I know there are countless others that have not been made public. Where people are grappling with life and struggles, anxiety and depression to the point of letting go.
As I sit with the lesson at hand I know that God has a plan and purpose in this life. That each were created to know Him, to really know and in turn be captivated and grown, to be led and guided and oh so much more. Yet I know that in the times we live things get out of balance, become overwhelming and there are unprecedented pressures. How I wish things could be simpler, how I long for ALL to know the biggies of life when layers get peeled back, when God the Creator becomes the anchor and certainty. How I pray that people could show more grace and understanding, be of greater support and reason because I do get that dark space that feels too much and like there is no out. And how I pray that those that did stand in that gap would not carry the unbearable weight of wishing that they had done or said something differently because of the “what if…” that is running like a reel in their mind.
Last week I gave the lecture at the in depth bible study and spent the week bargaining, fearful and yet again grappling with the space God had called me to be. I got off the stage and tended to all that was for the afternoon and then before my man came home I sat looking out the windows at the view and writing in my journal. I know the truth of God and love to skip through life, loving and believing the Word and getting to live it out…and yet the counter is that I can be crippled by insecurities and fear. Which is exhausting. As I signed off I asked God for help to stop grappling but to stand firm. To stop fearing and wanting to flee and just be. It’s tiring, distracting and hard to always be in this torn place. I expect more of myself as a leader, as God’s girl, as someone who does believe deeply and has a sure faith. I long for that to stop, to rest, to trust, to surrender and just be done with this. Cos really this long into it when is enough enough. I know how big my God is, I know that He allows me to flourish and be, I know that when I am weak He is strong, I know that He is my joy and foundation, and I know He’s tailored my personality and life and is using it in His way for His glory and my good…so why when it comes to this area is there this constant back and forth.
Then Monday as I sat pouring over the passage and the lesson I was reminded that God draws out the best of His people. That He positions and unfolds. That He calls and establishes. That as we allow His Word to renew us we find the answers to life’s biggies. And so there within the two verses was the balm to my heart and how I pray that will be rooted and accepted that in a few weeks when I again stand on that stage there would not be a grappling but a joy. There would be the truth that takes anchor. And I would not be left tired from the process.
And so as I know truth, as I know my God and yet am torn and on that tiresome road I can only imagine what it is for others grappling with the biggies in life, carrying the weight of much, looking forward in hope and then being disappointed there isn’t the expected and needed change. So I write knowing that our answer is indeed in our God, in His Word and in the pursuit of surrendering. Yet I also get it’s easier said than done. And so as I have a mix of anticipation of connecting with many precious women over this weeks lesson, there is also that thud for what is unfolding and being grappled with out there for many. There is no words I can offer up, but there is a God who is indeed the one to turn to in that space.
I wonder if in your life there is grappling over something that is causing your heart and hope to be crushed and if you will lock eyes with the One who longs to be there in that space and do a work only He can. After all Jesus loved so deeply and accomplished the greatest reality on the cross, so why put Him in a box when we can approach and expect.
I wonder if you are fearful of what is and are self sabotaging, when if you just lean into it and go with it the rest and joy will come. I am speaking to myself here, so let’s watch this space together and take a step forward.
Whatever your space how I pray there would be God in the mix, that you would put one step in front of the other and see what is around the corner…and how I pray around that corner is the balm to your being that is God.